walking

So, I am really excited, we (me, my sister, and a mutual friend) have decided to get together a few times a week and walk, I am excited that I have someone to do this with me, I feel like I will be more likely not to give up if I have accountability. And of course I can take Lexie with me and of course my niece and then our friend has a little girl as well. I am hoping to lose some weight. It is better than nothing. And hubby and I just bought new bikes this week, so I am gonna start riding again, evewn though I am still a little wobbley, because I haven't been on a bike for at least 7 years. Yeah, I know!! When I was a kid I rode my bike EVERYWHERE, all over the neighborhood to visit my friends, those were the days. If only I knew then just how good I really had it. Anyways, we bought one of those pull behind carts for lexie to ride in and so we went on a family bike ride the other night. And let me tell ya, my butt HURTS! It is gonna need some toughening up. But I'll make it, Must work through the pain, must work through the pain....

confession #2

Okay, so my next confession isn't so long. I am PETRIFIED of spiders, when I see one I freeze, cold chills start to run up and down my entire body. My heart starts to race, I just have chills. I have no idea why, but the older I get the worse it seems to get, and it doesn't matter the size, shape or kind. It just seems so wrong for anything to have that many legs. And with summer here I have of course been out in the garden working and I have to say we have more spiders than anyone I know. It was worse when we had the pool up though, we had these water spiders that would multiply by it seemed like the thousands, seriously, they were EVERYWHERE! Hubby would make fun of me because I would go out with a can of raid and spray the outsides of the pool, deck and grass around it. I couldn't help it, I hate spiders. Then I have a dear friend that occasionally likes to remind me that it is said that everyone swallows so many spiders a year in their sleep, I mean, UUGGHHH!!! Could you imagine if that were true? It is NOT true, of course, it simply can NOT be!!!! Then there is the story of the lady that had constant ear trouble and then they found out a spider had crawled inside and laid eggs and she had all these spider babies....I can't finish that thought, I can't even stand the thought! Or like the time I was visiting my sister at college and a guy from the bug department had a terantula and thought it would be fun to chase me with it. I screamed...LOUDLY...and ran my heart out, I didn't care who saw or what they thought. I hate being afraid of them, I hate how the fear can sometimes even stop my life, like if I want to go outside and there is one of those black fuzzy jumping spiders on the door, I just won't go outside until it is gone, but just because I can't see it doesn't mean it isn't hiding somewhere so when I do go out, I run through the doorand slam it behind me in hopes of making it fall from it's hiding place and dying on the cement. (I don't really know if that would kill it or not, but it's a nice thought) How do I be brave? The only time I can be is if there is one in the house I am petrified it will get Lexie and I get brave enough to kill it, (then I hyperventilate) and of course get the cold chills and so on, then I leave it lay there until hubby comes home from work so he can remove the body. but I saved my baby, how brave am I? :)

confession

okay, it is time for a confession, for those of you who know me at all, this will be no surprise, for the rest of you, you are about to find out something about me. I am a serious worry-wart, there it's out. I have worried all my life. (I get it honestly, it runs in the family, for several generations actually on my moms side) but for some reason the bug only bit me out of 4 kids. Anyways, people tease me about all the time, and they think i can just stop, but i can't. it is second nature to me to do so.
As a young child I worried about some of everything. I would lie in bed at night and worry, "so my parents had an argument today, are they getting divorced?" --I am proud to say they never did by the way, in fact they claimed they never argue, they only discuss....loudly :)
I would worry about intruders, car crashes, any other types of accidents and war. And illnesses, I am the type that should NEVER own a medical dictionary, or read medical websites online, I can convince myself I have about anything. I have had severe headaches all my life, could there be a tumor somewhere that the doctors could have missed?--No it is like a million other americans, it is called a mixture of migraines and stress. (From worrying maybe :)
Amusements parks are no fun for me either. My husbands work gives out free tickets every year to our states amusement park for their company picnic, I DREAD it, even though I pretend I am excited. I mean what if a ride crashes, (it does happen) or what if when you are going down the water slide and your tube flips over that would hurt so bad, and the roller coasters? NEVER! people must be crazy to go on those things, too many terrible things could happen, too many to list...
I always feel pressured into going though, because it is nice of the company to buy them for us and it is my husbands reward, and he enjoys going, although he does those scary rides with his friends, I just stand on the ground, or go to the water park and stay in the lazy river, although, that can be dangerous too, you could get crushed in the mob...
I worried about my family always, then got married and drove (and still driving) my husband crazy with the constant "be careful, it isn't you I don't trust it is the other drivers" He wants to ride his bike to work, to save on gas and get some exercise, HA! He would have to ride down a U.S. highway, then through town, AAAHHHH!!! Too scary, I would rather pay the $4.00/gallon. (I know crazy right?) And he can ride his bike for exercise down our not so heavily traveled country road. or go to the gym, that would be safer yet. Oh and he has had the thought that he is getting a motorcycle...NOT!!!
Now that I am a mother I have found even more to worry about if that is possible, what if I am not a good mom, what if i fail her, heck, she is only 10 months old and I already worry about where am I gonna send her to school? A christian school? Well there aren't many good ones close so I would have to drive more than an hour round trip, so how would I get her there in the winter (I hate driving on icy snowy roads) what if I forgot to pick her up, I am involved in my day and lose track of time...should I home school her? am I smart enough? What if she has questions I can't answer? Public schools? OUT of the question, too many drugs, molesters and guns there. I mean not long ago there was some young elementary age kids trying to have oral sex on a bus at a certain school. I didn't even know what that was in elementary school. I was sheltered and that is okay with me.
And what about the sex talk, AAAHHH, what am I gonna say, I know the truth, but oh my. And what about when she starts dating, How do we know if the guy is safe enough to take our daughter out alone? It is a scary place out there, it has changed alot since I was dating, what is it gonna be like then? There are just too many creeps running around out there that can be good looking and seem like naice guys, but then...
And college, where will she go, will she want to go far away? If I home-schooled her will she be smart enough to go, oh my, I tear up to think she could ever leave me, which brings me to the next step of marriage. How will we pay for the wedding, should we start an account now? I mean the average wedding now costs what $15,000? or something like that, what will it cost then? What if we don't like the guy? Oh I can't stand this.
See, inside my head is a whole different world, I can imagine things that would probably never happen, when bad things happen I often take the blame if it is my fault or not, because sometimes through a crazy series of events I can convince myself it is my fault. Like the night my friend got arrested for drunk driving, it was 3 years ago, but I will never forget it. He had called me and we talked for over an hour. We got off the phone and I went to bed the next morning, hubby called me and said he (my friend) was arrested, I panicked, how could that be? I had just talked to him last night, just 10 hours ago, then I felt guilty, after we got off the phone, he went to a bar, then drove, I should have asked what he was gonna do when we hung up, (afterall I did know he struggles with drinking) and if I would have known he was thinking about it I would have went and got him, brought him to my house and made him spend the night. I should have seen the signs (even though he never mentioned anyhting about wanting a drink in that hours conversation) his wife and kids had gone to visit her mother for a few days, so he was alone, why didn't I think of it? I blame myself even though it was his decision to drink.
Anyways, I could go on and on about my worries, but Lexie is now awake and I need to go get her up, and get her breakfast and so on. And so my day begins...