confession

okay, it is time for a confession, for those of you who know me at all, this will be no surprise, for the rest of you, you are about to find out something about me. I am a serious worry-wart, there it's out. I have worried all my life. (I get it honestly, it runs in the family, for several generations actually on my moms side) but for some reason the bug only bit me out of 4 kids. Anyways, people tease me about all the time, and they think i can just stop, but i can't. it is second nature to me to do so.
As a young child I worried about some of everything. I would lie in bed at night and worry, "so my parents had an argument today, are they getting divorced?" --I am proud to say they never did by the way, in fact they claimed they never argue, they only discuss....loudly :)
I would worry about intruders, car crashes, any other types of accidents and war. And illnesses, I am the type that should NEVER own a medical dictionary, or read medical websites online, I can convince myself I have about anything. I have had severe headaches all my life, could there be a tumor somewhere that the doctors could have missed?--No it is like a million other americans, it is called a mixture of migraines and stress. (From worrying maybe :)
Amusements parks are no fun for me either. My husbands work gives out free tickets every year to our states amusement park for their company picnic, I DREAD it, even though I pretend I am excited. I mean what if a ride crashes, (it does happen) or what if when you are going down the water slide and your tube flips over that would hurt so bad, and the roller coasters? NEVER! people must be crazy to go on those things, too many terrible things could happen, too many to list...
I always feel pressured into going though, because it is nice of the company to buy them for us and it is my husbands reward, and he enjoys going, although he does those scary rides with his friends, I just stand on the ground, or go to the water park and stay in the lazy river, although, that can be dangerous too, you could get crushed in the mob...
I worried about my family always, then got married and drove (and still driving) my husband crazy with the constant "be careful, it isn't you I don't trust it is the other drivers" He wants to ride his bike to work, to save on gas and get some exercise, HA! He would have to ride down a U.S. highway, then through town, AAAHHHH!!! Too scary, I would rather pay the $4.00/gallon. (I know crazy right?) And he can ride his bike for exercise down our not so heavily traveled country road. or go to the gym, that would be safer yet. Oh and he has had the thought that he is getting a motorcycle...NOT!!!
Now that I am a mother I have found even more to worry about if that is possible, what if I am not a good mom, what if i fail her, heck, she is only 10 months old and I already worry about where am I gonna send her to school? A christian school? Well there aren't many good ones close so I would have to drive more than an hour round trip, so how would I get her there in the winter (I hate driving on icy snowy roads) what if I forgot to pick her up, I am involved in my day and lose track of time...should I home school her? am I smart enough? What if she has questions I can't answer? Public schools? OUT of the question, too many drugs, molesters and guns there. I mean not long ago there was some young elementary age kids trying to have oral sex on a bus at a certain school. I didn't even know what that was in elementary school. I was sheltered and that is okay with me.
And what about the sex talk, AAAHHH, what am I gonna say, I know the truth, but oh my. And what about when she starts dating, How do we know if the guy is safe enough to take our daughter out alone? It is a scary place out there, it has changed alot since I was dating, what is it gonna be like then? There are just too many creeps running around out there that can be good looking and seem like naice guys, but then...
And college, where will she go, will she want to go far away? If I home-schooled her will she be smart enough to go, oh my, I tear up to think she could ever leave me, which brings me to the next step of marriage. How will we pay for the wedding, should we start an account now? I mean the average wedding now costs what $15,000? or something like that, what will it cost then? What if we don't like the guy? Oh I can't stand this.
See, inside my head is a whole different world, I can imagine things that would probably never happen, when bad things happen I often take the blame if it is my fault or not, because sometimes through a crazy series of events I can convince myself it is my fault. Like the night my friend got arrested for drunk driving, it was 3 years ago, but I will never forget it. He had called me and we talked for over an hour. We got off the phone and I went to bed the next morning, hubby called me and said he (my friend) was arrested, I panicked, how could that be? I had just talked to him last night, just 10 hours ago, then I felt guilty, after we got off the phone, he went to a bar, then drove, I should have asked what he was gonna do when we hung up, (afterall I did know he struggles with drinking) and if I would have known he was thinking about it I would have went and got him, brought him to my house and made him spend the night. I should have seen the signs (even though he never mentioned anyhting about wanting a drink in that hours conversation) his wife and kids had gone to visit her mother for a few days, so he was alone, why didn't I think of it? I blame myself even though it was his decision to drink.
Anyways, I could go on and on about my worries, but Lexie is now awake and I need to go get her up, and get her breakfast and so on. And so my day begins...