secrets

secrets! I have a few of those right now, and one in particular is just starting to eat away at me. It even pops up in my dreams at night occasionally. It is one of those I want to share with someone just so it can stop wrapping around my mind and squeezing, like it is some sort of alien. Like I am possessed with this creapy creature from men in black or something. Like it is this thing that has entered me and just has taken over control and I am powerless to stop it. It is a secret that would crush a friend and so many people if the confidence was betrayed, so I simply can't tell. This would affect so many lives of people that I know and love. This has been said in complete confidence and it is one I wish I didn't even know anyhing about. It is one of those that is said once and never to be spoken of again. It is to be taken to the grave. I guess I am hoping that venting about the idea of harboring this secret will make me feel better. Maybe in my mind I will now feel like I have been able to talk about it. Without revealing any details. I am going crazy, and this is a desperate attempt to stop that. I don't want to lose a friendship by revealing it, because I know I would, and this person is one of my dearest friends and I never want to hurt them. I just wish the situation didn't exist. But things are what they are and I can do nothing to stop it. Although, I wish I could!!

like a puppet on a string...

I don't really know how to say what is on my mind without revealing too many details. Lately I have felt like I am being spun in so many directions, my life is careening out of control and I am helpless to stop it. We have been so busy here lately and it seems people have discovered suddenly that we are easy targets to continue to pile on the heavy load. And there are serious misconceptions that because I am a stay at home mom, I do nothing but sit around the house and do nothing. HA! I can't even begin to say that being a mom, a wife, and keeping up with the house are 3 full time jobs in themselves. People somehow get the notion that well, I can just find a baby-sitter and come out and solve their problems, or run their errands or pick up their slack, what else do I have to do all day. Like, say for example I am helping someone with a certain event and I am asked to show up at their next meeting, (only to share my view of how things are progressing) and so I go practically drug there kicking and screaming (in my mind of course) and suddenly I am a member of that committee and what is my e-mail and phone # so people can start calling my for opinions and decsions. WHAT?? I went to that meeting as a favor to a friend and come out a member and am expected to show up at all meetings from now on. Then say another friend is heading up a fish fry and what gets announced at church on sunday? Oh by the way, any questions? See ME I am now in CHARGE.......UH.....WHAT?????....THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP! I am just going crazy, and there have been other things within the past few months. You know when I quit working the stress load just went away, it was so wonderful. I am starting to feel some of those feelings again, don't get me wrong, it certainly isn't to that extent, but I just feel like I am this puppet that everyone else is starting to control. I am going through what I think is my life meanwhile others are planning my course and lot in life. It is so frustrating. I love helping people out but there is a line between being asked and being (ab)-used. I am not a person that says no easily and if I do then the guilt naws at my insides and I can't sleep and I feel like a horrible person, because I selfishly said no. I just don't want any of this to affect my family life, although I feel like it has already taken some toll. I just need to be strong but this is one area of weakness for me.

Catching up

Wow, has been some time since my last entry. Figure I should at least let people know I am still around. In a nutshell, Hubbys surgery went well, he says all the back, hip and neck pain are gone, he just now has the surgery pain, but each day there is much improvement. Which is good, but as he feels better, he wants to get back into doing things outside and such, that he is not supposed to be doing, so that has been a slight battle. But overall he is doing well. He was in the hospital from Thursday thru Monday. I stayed there the whole time, that was hard being away from Lexie for so long, but he needed me more than she did at that moment. He gets his sutures removed on Friday and then gets a body cast that he has to wear for 3 months, as well as a bone stimulator. So we do have a long road ahead yet, but are counting our blessings at how fortunate we are, He isn't wheel chair bound or bed ridden or any of the like. And people have been so wonderful, we have had visits, cards, phone calls, suppers provided, baby-sitters, offers to mow lawn and so much more, it has been overwhelming and yet so wonderful! We are so blessed with such wonderful family and friends! God is good!
Lexie, is GROWING, she changes all the time, the other day she crawled over to her toy box, grabbed ahold of the side and just stood up, then she looked at me and grinned, like "see what I can do mom?" Of course I felt such pride and happiness, but also a smidge of sadness, for soon my little baby will be taking her first steps, What happened to the tiny little 5lb 13oz baby we brought home from the hospital, that I quite frankly was so scared of. Where did this past year go? I am convinced that somewhere we have skipped a few months because, it does NOT feel like she should be turning the big "1" on Friday. It is going to be so strange when people ask me her age instead of "blah-blah months" I will have to say 1! AAAHHH!!! If all the years fly this fast...well....I don't even want to thank about it. She is saying lots of things now to, but her latest word is "Baby" and "uh-oh" as a toy "falls" (accidently of course :) from the high chair or goes 3 pews in front of us at church . (We are trying to teach her not to throw her toys, but has proven to be a challenge) but she will learn.
We have acquired a new puppy and a new kitten within the last month, apparently we look like the suckers that we are. The puppy appeared inside out fenced in back yard during the night one night. So I started her on her vaccinations, heartworm prevention and flea/tick prevention. And then found her a nice home with a promise of "oh yes I will get her spayed" then to find out a week later, oh she jumped the fence and ran away and I haven't seen her since. AAAAHHHHHHH!! So aggravating, Hubby was really not happy about the $100 we had just sunk into her, but at least she is protected for a little while, I truely did my best. I hope wherever she is, she will find a safe and happy home.
The kitten appeared 2 nights ago on our back deck, skinny on the sides, but with a nicely protruding belly underneath, no wonder the poor thing was starving, we apparently are going to be blessed with not just one new kitty. I of course have been feeding her several meals throughout the day and by tonight she was much less hungry. And of course treated her ears for mites, started flea/tick and de-worming medicine, and so forth. It is so aggravating how people can just dump them. She is so sweet and only wants food and attention, although, my 2 inside cats couln't be less thrilled, especially oliver, he keeps a constant watch at the window and gives a loud warning if he feels she has overstepped her boundry. I am hoping he will settle down, because the plan is to get her through the birth, then raise the kittens to weaning time and then find some good homes for them. We shall see.
we have been without internet for 3 weeks, due to a lightning strike on our providers tower when some storms rolled through a few weeks ago. That was proving interesting, because Hubby is only takng online classes for the summer. So he had to take the laptop to town each day, we are so glad to have it back up and going, especially now!
We have of course gone to some fairs and festivals over the last few months, that has been kind of fun, well, visiting with people that is, we don't have much exciting activities or anything at our local fairs, gotta go out of town for the fun stuff, semi-pulls and the likes. Our town is too small for anything like that, we have a combine derby for our big event, yep, we are red-necks, but proud of it.
Well, it is getting late and I must sign off, need to stop rambling anyways. Hope everyone is doing well!

walking

So, I am really excited, we (me, my sister, and a mutual friend) have decided to get together a few times a week and walk, I am excited that I have someone to do this with me, I feel like I will be more likely not to give up if I have accountability. And of course I can take Lexie with me and of course my niece and then our friend has a little girl as well. I am hoping to lose some weight. It is better than nothing. And hubby and I just bought new bikes this week, so I am gonna start riding again, evewn though I am still a little wobbley, because I haven't been on a bike for at least 7 years. Yeah, I know!! When I was a kid I rode my bike EVERYWHERE, all over the neighborhood to visit my friends, those were the days. If only I knew then just how good I really had it. Anyways, we bought one of those pull behind carts for lexie to ride in and so we went on a family bike ride the other night. And let me tell ya, my butt HURTS! It is gonna need some toughening up. But I'll make it, Must work through the pain, must work through the pain....

confession #2

Okay, so my next confession isn't so long. I am PETRIFIED of spiders, when I see one I freeze, cold chills start to run up and down my entire body. My heart starts to race, I just have chills. I have no idea why, but the older I get the worse it seems to get, and it doesn't matter the size, shape or kind. It just seems so wrong for anything to have that many legs. And with summer here I have of course been out in the garden working and I have to say we have more spiders than anyone I know. It was worse when we had the pool up though, we had these water spiders that would multiply by it seemed like the thousands, seriously, they were EVERYWHERE! Hubby would make fun of me because I would go out with a can of raid and spray the outsides of the pool, deck and grass around it. I couldn't help it, I hate spiders. Then I have a dear friend that occasionally likes to remind me that it is said that everyone swallows so many spiders a year in their sleep, I mean, UUGGHHH!!! Could you imagine if that were true? It is NOT true, of course, it simply can NOT be!!!! Then there is the story of the lady that had constant ear trouble and then they found out a spider had crawled inside and laid eggs and she had all these spider babies....I can't finish that thought, I can't even stand the thought! Or like the time I was visiting my sister at college and a guy from the bug department had a terantula and thought it would be fun to chase me with it. I screamed...LOUDLY...and ran my heart out, I didn't care who saw or what they thought. I hate being afraid of them, I hate how the fear can sometimes even stop my life, like if I want to go outside and there is one of those black fuzzy jumping spiders on the door, I just won't go outside until it is gone, but just because I can't see it doesn't mean it isn't hiding somewhere so when I do go out, I run through the doorand slam it behind me in hopes of making it fall from it's hiding place and dying on the cement. (I don't really know if that would kill it or not, but it's a nice thought) How do I be brave? The only time I can be is if there is one in the house I am petrified it will get Lexie and I get brave enough to kill it, (then I hyperventilate) and of course get the cold chills and so on, then I leave it lay there until hubby comes home from work so he can remove the body. but I saved my baby, how brave am I? :)

confession

okay, it is time for a confession, for those of you who know me at all, this will be no surprise, for the rest of you, you are about to find out something about me. I am a serious worry-wart, there it's out. I have worried all my life. (I get it honestly, it runs in the family, for several generations actually on my moms side) but for some reason the bug only bit me out of 4 kids. Anyways, people tease me about all the time, and they think i can just stop, but i can't. it is second nature to me to do so.
As a young child I worried about some of everything. I would lie in bed at night and worry, "so my parents had an argument today, are they getting divorced?" --I am proud to say they never did by the way, in fact they claimed they never argue, they only discuss....loudly :)
I would worry about intruders, car crashes, any other types of accidents and war. And illnesses, I am the type that should NEVER own a medical dictionary, or read medical websites online, I can convince myself I have about anything. I have had severe headaches all my life, could there be a tumor somewhere that the doctors could have missed?--No it is like a million other americans, it is called a mixture of migraines and stress. (From worrying maybe :)
Amusements parks are no fun for me either. My husbands work gives out free tickets every year to our states amusement park for their company picnic, I DREAD it, even though I pretend I am excited. I mean what if a ride crashes, (it does happen) or what if when you are going down the water slide and your tube flips over that would hurt so bad, and the roller coasters? NEVER! people must be crazy to go on those things, too many terrible things could happen, too many to list...
I always feel pressured into going though, because it is nice of the company to buy them for us and it is my husbands reward, and he enjoys going, although he does those scary rides with his friends, I just stand on the ground, or go to the water park and stay in the lazy river, although, that can be dangerous too, you could get crushed in the mob...
I worried about my family always, then got married and drove (and still driving) my husband crazy with the constant "be careful, it isn't you I don't trust it is the other drivers" He wants to ride his bike to work, to save on gas and get some exercise, HA! He would have to ride down a U.S. highway, then through town, AAAHHHH!!! Too scary, I would rather pay the $4.00/gallon. (I know crazy right?) And he can ride his bike for exercise down our not so heavily traveled country road. or go to the gym, that would be safer yet. Oh and he has had the thought that he is getting a motorcycle...NOT!!!
Now that I am a mother I have found even more to worry about if that is possible, what if I am not a good mom, what if i fail her, heck, she is only 10 months old and I already worry about where am I gonna send her to school? A christian school? Well there aren't many good ones close so I would have to drive more than an hour round trip, so how would I get her there in the winter (I hate driving on icy snowy roads) what if I forgot to pick her up, I am involved in my day and lose track of time...should I home school her? am I smart enough? What if she has questions I can't answer? Public schools? OUT of the question, too many drugs, molesters and guns there. I mean not long ago there was some young elementary age kids trying to have oral sex on a bus at a certain school. I didn't even know what that was in elementary school. I was sheltered and that is okay with me.
And what about the sex talk, AAAHHH, what am I gonna say, I know the truth, but oh my. And what about when she starts dating, How do we know if the guy is safe enough to take our daughter out alone? It is a scary place out there, it has changed alot since I was dating, what is it gonna be like then? There are just too many creeps running around out there that can be good looking and seem like naice guys, but then...
And college, where will she go, will she want to go far away? If I home-schooled her will she be smart enough to go, oh my, I tear up to think she could ever leave me, which brings me to the next step of marriage. How will we pay for the wedding, should we start an account now? I mean the average wedding now costs what $15,000? or something like that, what will it cost then? What if we don't like the guy? Oh I can't stand this.
See, inside my head is a whole different world, I can imagine things that would probably never happen, when bad things happen I often take the blame if it is my fault or not, because sometimes through a crazy series of events I can convince myself it is my fault. Like the night my friend got arrested for drunk driving, it was 3 years ago, but I will never forget it. He had called me and we talked for over an hour. We got off the phone and I went to bed the next morning, hubby called me and said he (my friend) was arrested, I panicked, how could that be? I had just talked to him last night, just 10 hours ago, then I felt guilty, after we got off the phone, he went to a bar, then drove, I should have asked what he was gonna do when we hung up, (afterall I did know he struggles with drinking) and if I would have known he was thinking about it I would have went and got him, brought him to my house and made him spend the night. I should have seen the signs (even though he never mentioned anyhting about wanting a drink in that hours conversation) his wife and kids had gone to visit her mother for a few days, so he was alone, why didn't I think of it? I blame myself even though it was his decision to drink.
Anyways, I could go on and on about my worries, but Lexie is now awake and I need to go get her up, and get her breakfast and so on. And so my day begins...

mothers day...

yeah, so my first mothers day was hopefully the worst one I will ever have!!!! I got to spend the first 1/2 of it in the ER. Yeah, Lexie was fine on saturday, we had went to a scrapbooking party and she had played with jordan and rhyann (2 teenagers that love to baby-sit her, they spoil her like crazy) and that evening she was cranky, but I thought it was because she hadn't taken a nap and had played hard with the girls, so anyway she woke up crying at 5:30 AM sunday which is so strange because she always sleeps all night. Anyways I got her out of bed and she was burning up, so i figured it was because of the teething thing and gave her some tylenol and rocked her back to sleep, well 8:00 she woke up again, i went to check on her and she was so hot, then she started throwing up and i took her temp and it was over 102. So I called my mom and hubby called my sister and asked both of them to come to the house and finish the food (because we were hosting mothers day and were expecting more than 30 people that afternoon) and off to the ER we went. Of course we get there and they happened to have a new doctor that day I was freiking out, as it was clear he knew nothing about babies. First he runs this thing over her forehead and says she doesn't have a fever. I was TICKED! I know my child, I had never seen her so limp, or pale, or felt her skin so hot! So I argued with him and said I just took it 20m minutes ago and it was high. So after 10 minutes of arguing, he takes it rectally, and wouldn't you know, SHE HAS A FEVER "AGAIN", (and the way he acted you would have thought it was up, went down on the way to the hospital, then spiked back up in that 10 minutes, I mean please, I am not a doctor, but come on that is a no brainer!) He kept insisting it was her teeth. NO!! So then he ordered blood tests, she had elevated WBC's, but he didn't see a need for any abx. SO hubby and I INSISTED he get her pediatrician on the phone, (which he finally does after acting all offended) then when he does, he says YES GIVE HER AN ANTIBIOTIC!! So he does, then they insist that she needs pedialyte and so I get a little down her and 5 minutes later they decide to swab her throat, so what happens? Of Course she vommits all the pedialyte!! DUH! Which by this time she has developed enough of a taste for that she decides she doesn't like it one bit and refuses to drink more. AAAHHHH!!! They call our local hospital "dead"-lawn for a reason! After a few more incidences we were finally able to go home. Lexie was really sick for 2 more days. She did go back to her pediatrician and nobody knows for sure what was wrong or why. It was hopefully the worst mothers day I will ever have. I have to back track on my statement, teething is no longer the worst or hardest part of motherhood! A sick child is! I have NEVER been more scared in my whole life! I Thank God that she is fine! Needless to say I was not a good host that day! But I think everyone understood.

decisions...

sorry about that last blog if it seemed i was complaining, well, i was, but i was also just venting, afterall, isn't that what these blogs are for? Anyways, I have a new frustration, well this is more of a "scared to death" thing, but hubby started physical therapy and his back is worse than it has EVER been, he now has pains down in his lower back as well as down both legs clear down to his feet. His doctor said to stop therapy immediately and have the MRI re-done, and then schedule...yes the dreaded word...surgery! I am scared but I can't admit that to him. The doctor also said the way they do the surgery is through the abdoman and said there is a risk that we will not be able to have more children. I am really scared. Due to previous medical reasons he was told he was at high risk not being able to have kids before Lexie was born, and it did take a long time to get pregnant with her, but this will make strike 2. I wonder are we being sent a message? I wasn't sure if I was done having kids or not, if we did have another one it would be only 1 more. It was suggested that if we want another one to try and get pregnant before the surgery, but I am not ready for that, even though Lexie is already 9 months old, I still feel like I was just pregnant, and I wanted a few years between my kids. I was thinking 3 years was a good amount. Besides, what if it took a long time again, then what, is he just supposed to wait and stay in pain just so we can have another child? I DON'T THINK SO!! I have been thinking and praying and talking to hubby and we have decided to leave it in God's hands, afterall he does know best! If we are meant to have another one we will, if not, we may adopt. There are so many kids out there that need good homes, we were planning to do that if we couldn't get pregnat with Lexie. There are just so many hard times and hard decisions coming up I'm afraid. We must just keep our heads held high, even though sometimes I feel like there is nothing else to do but break down. I have to be strong for him, I Love him so much and I don't want him to think anything else and I don't want him to get discouraged! I know he would do the same for me!

a glimpse into the future!?!...I hope NOT!!

so hubby and I had a very interesting experience for the last 4 days. We baby-sat for 2 extra kids while their parents went out of town and let me tell ya, I have had a reality check in cherishing the "baby" years. So, the girl is 7, and her brother is 8. The boy was absolutely PERFECT! The girl on the other hand, not so much. It was like having a teenager. She wouldn't eat much of anything because, "it was the wrong kind of cheese" or her smokey link touched the mac and cheese sauce, (so that ruins the whole link), or it may be distantly related to a vegetable of any kind. Or she didn't like that brand or that flavor or that size. I was so frustrated! She firmly told me her mom would make her a seperate supper if she didn't like what was made that night. (Well, call me mean and rude, but I didn't make her anything seperate)--and I am not playing that song and dance with Lexie. Anyways, she almost refused to take a shower because there is a mild rust ring on the bath mat, that doesn't come off, and she "doesn't take showers in a dirty shower" I was TICKED, that bath tub is NOT dirty, it is the tub I bathe Lexie in. I would not leave it dirty, I personally clean it! It isn't even a big stain, it is only a small ring. And the rest of the tub is WHITE! I was so mad, I told her that she had to take one or I was going to put her in the car and take her to her grandmas. Because I was fed up. Getting her ready for school was a trip too. She sat at the top of the stairs pouting. "Do I have to go to school?" "I don't wanna go to school" don't make me go to school!! I was so frustrated, but still made it on time, in fact I had them there one minute early. Yeah me! Getting her ready for church was another trip. They had sent her pants..."I don't want pants, I Want to wear a dress. TOO BAD!! This is what you got!! Making her brush her teeth was a battle as well. AAHH!!And sleep in sleeping bags? Never! That is like laying on the floor, so I had to put one in our bed and the other in the spare bed, and Hubby and I had to sleep in the living room...me on the couch and him in the chair (which wasn't too great for his back). Among these episodes were others, but there were also some good times too, just as long as I didn't need her to do anything. If that is what all 7 year old girls are like, then I dread those years! Hopefully they aren't all that bad!! Anyways, I was glad to see their parents were home on sunday. Hubby, Lexie and I came home from church and took naps. We all were so tired and glad to see them go!!

answered prayers

Hubby finally was able to see the back specialist yesterday, and guess what? No surgery at this point! YEAH! He is going to get the cortisone injections and do physical therapy for a year and then if that doesn't help they will re-open the doors to the possibility of surgery. So, at this point we are relieved! He is happy he can go on with life. With no restrictions. Any of you that know him know that is a HUGE relief, he is an active person and he has had 2 other surgeries in the past and it was a nightmare keeping him quiet! So this is wonderful news for now! Although he is not looking forward to the injections, (who can blame him) it will be better than surgery.So thank God for answered prayers!

growing pains

Alexis is growing so quickly, each day seems to bring on new changes. But this past month has been so hard because she is teething. Oh the painful things about growing up! Oh she cries and I just don't know what to do, we have been doing tylenol (she likes the grape so much better than the cherry) and some numbing drops which only help sometimes. I feel horrible! How can I help her? I can't stand to see her in pain, it breaks my heart! She only wants to be held and rocked (which I am glad to do) but I have not gotten any housework done. I think this has been my biggest challenge so far of being a mother, the rest is so wonderful, I spent so much time worrying and thinking I was not ready for this, but now as I watch her playing and see her look up at me and smile, or when she calls out "Ma-Ma" it is SSOOOOOOO AWESOME! I am overwhelmed with joy and love, and I wonder what I was so scared of, everything just works out, we deal as it comes, EXCEPT for this whole teething. And she only has 2 in, we have so many more to go. But I imagine we will make it through, it is just to hard!

Sorry I haven't been around for a while, I have been taking advantage of the slightly warmer weather we have been having, although it hasn't been no 80 degrees or anything, it has been a heat wave compared to the last few weeks. I just love our unpredictable weather, (note the sarcasm.) I went shopping 2 days last week which was so much fun, I got a Disney (pooh and tigger) waffle iron, which makes me so excited because it is the same design as my pooh/tigger toaster I had bought a while back, I am thrilled! And Lexie will love it when she gets bigger. (I love Disney stuff, I collect all kinds of things and have like tons of disney movies) it is an obsession.
Lexie is growing ever so fast, she is now 7 months old and yesterday popped her first tooth. WOW! She hasn't even had any fussy spells, it kind of came out of no-where, now I am hoping they will all come in this easy, although I am sure they won't. But it is a nice dream.
Hubby is on Spring Break from school, and will be on vacation from work next week, we have started finishing the upstairs, and have hired a guy to finish the drywall. I can't wait til it's done, hubby is finishing up electrical, and we went and bought carpet last week, so can't wait to paint and get the carpet down. But I must be patient, it is one thing at a time.
When the weather gets a little warmer we will also be getting guttering put back on the house, never got that done since we re-modeled so figure it's time, so guests quit getting soaked by the water pouring off the roof over the back porch when they come on rainy days. Figure they would appreciate that.
I am so ready for Spring to grace us with her presence and stick around. I am starting to see some signs, saw some robins in the yard a week or so ago. I am ready to go on walks, and plant the garden and just be outside with Lexie. And the cats are ready for the windows to be open, they try to soak up any rays of sunshine they can.
Well, that pretty much sums things up around here. Think Spring:)

a fear

I have a fear...it is probably one that many people share. I know that I am not alone, but this weekend I was having a discussion with someone about anything in particular, some may call it just talking, others may call it gossip, but whatever it may be, the question was raised "what is your biggest fear about growing old?" I stopped, stunned, that was something I have pondered many times, and I have never really come up with an answer, since that conversation, I have thought of it non-stop. I know the #1 answer is losing my husband, he is my rock, he is always there, he helps me through every situation, whether good or bad. I can always count on him, he is my one constant! When I can trust no-one else in this world, I can still turn to him and he is always waiting with open arms. My #2 fear, is my daughter growing up and leaving, I never want to fight with her the way I did with my parents, time it too precious and shouldn't be wasted on such pettiness. All those arguments about where I was going and who I was dating and so on, well, it wasn't worth it because those people aren't even in my life anymore, what a waste of time and energy! I want her to grow up, meet a wonderful man who will take the very best care of her, but on the other hand my heart will break when she goes, but I know I will be proud of her!
#3 is lying in a bed dying of cancer, my aunt just passed away from pancreatic cancer, that is a horriffic disease. When she had bad days she was in so much agony, I wish she never had went through that and I selfishly pray I never will. I think the one fear over all these fears is alzheimers, to not know your own family, how heartbreaking, how devastating and sad! I guess the jist of this blog is I still don't know my greatest fear of growing old. I guess I have many. Ultimately I would love to watch my daughter grow up with a happy healthy life and watch my wonderful grandchildren, then one night when time has got the best of me, just go to sleep and wake up on the other side, just that peaceful. Who knows what the future has in store, in the meantime I am trying to think of each moment and remind myself that I can never get this moment back, so what is the best way to spend it??

colts/bears

YEAH!! I am so excited about the superbowl. Hubby and I are going to a party, figure most of Indiana will be doing the same. We will be cheering the colts on all the way! I can hardly believe it! I am so super excited and I am honestly not that big of a football fan, I mean I don't live and breathe it night and day or anything but I do watch the colts, I am so excited! (Did I mention that already??) At least since it is a team I like that will make the party more exciting for me. GO COLTS!!!!!!!!!!!

anything for super bowl tickets?!?!?

Today

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	Curfew Imposed in Beirut A...	IRS Pushes Back Tax Deadli...

if I could be...

do you ever wish you could be something you can't? Like, sometimes I wish I could fly, you know just flap my wings and take off, then you could travel to wherever and whenever, no expenses to worry about, (no plane tickets, no $3/gallon gas, and so forth) and just think, what would take you 3 days by car, would only take like one day or less by air, think of all the wonderful sights of the great U.S. of A. you could enjoy. Or do you ever wish that you could be invisible? Just sit and listen and no one knows you are there? (Sometimes I feel like that in a crowd anyways, and I am perfectly visible...I think...sometimes I wonder...) You could learn so much (some things you would want to know and others you are better off not knowing), but there is good and bad to all, huh? Or what if you could turn back time and change things you have done wrong or things you have regretfully said. You could change your whole future, and spare feelings that you didn't intend to hurt anyways, life is full of what-if's, sigh...if only.

why do people leave?

I know I have wrote about this in the past, but here I am about to do it again. Forgive me for the redundance. I feel sad right now and want to just vent. One of our good friends just called me and told me he has gotten a job offer in Iowa, that is a few states away. I didn't know what to say, I am so happy for him and I really want the best for him, but I am sad also, I just sat there and he said don't start crying because I can't handle that, I was like I won't (even though I thought about it) and he said you just have to come for week long vacations and we will make good use of e-mail. I was like yeah, you're right. it is so hard to say good-bye to people. Why does life have to change so much? There are so many people that I have had in my life for a season and then they are gone. Sometimes they come back, (sometimes years later when you least expect it) and sometimes they don't come back. And even though you meet new people and they are wonderful, it doesn't completely fill the void. It just isn't the same. I hear there is a season for everything a time and place under the sun for all things in life, it is just hard for me to say good-bye whether it is through a misunderstanding, hard or hurt feelings, job transfers, drifting apart or the cold hard reality of death. I would have to say that is one of the hardest things in my life to deal with and sometimes I wish I could crawl in a hole and pretend it isn't happening. But I can't, it is a reality and I must square my shoulders, be brave and face it. Life will go on.